me and the men in my life, water and oil??

Hello all, its just Vanessa ranting again,tehe! No really, I think as far as my past demons, I have that pretty much under my belt, maybe? Maybe not? But me and the men in my life, I will never have that one figured out!
     I know that I have chose my mates according to the lifestyle I was living whenever I met them but come one, I have gotten better, I have changed, why does it seem like they cannot????
     All I ask, a man that loves me, half ass understands me, or at least acts like he does. I want someone that understands that I love both my girls with all  of my heart, and if your going to put them down, yell at them, you can count yourself gone!!
     I want someone that wants to spend alone time with me everynow and again, I dont mean all the time, come on I smother easy, but like once a month get a babysitter, head out for dinner, movie, shopping, whatever! And then just maybe every now and then a motel room where its just me and him and lots of candles, lotions, food, and drink!!!
     I am a mother that is almost always consumed with her girls, or the usual housework, or running errands, going to the doctors appointments. I know that this can be aggravating, time consuming, no alone time, no love, no just you and me, sweat, skin, heavy breathing and lots of good stuff all around!!!
If he shows a remote sense of interest, I will I promise go out of my way to give him my undivided attention. But so far all i get is alot of interest in the beginning, and then just cold dead, no more love, words that use to lift me up when I was down, turn into mean, cruel, arguements, you can feel him siding with whoever it is that you want him to defend you too!!
Is it me that really is so selfish that all I care about is me, and I don't see that? Then he gets feed up with it and completely turns on me?
Maybe men dont have to capasity to forgive like women do, or like I do, maybe all women aren't forgiving?
but I know for a fact that these men have done really mean, cruel things to me, and in a instant I can forgive and be willing to put it in the past, to see if we can get back to where we were, to try and have a relationship that can and will be good again!!!!
But it seems that no one is ready to forgive me, I do one thing, ask for forgiveness, they say they forgive me, but what comes up at every arguement? that same thing I done wrong over, and over, and over??????? Where's the forgiveness in that, you dont really forgive if you continue to bring these faults up over and over again? It just means you said whatever it took at the moment to get me to hush about it??? Oh well, I think that I will really be the happiest when its just me and my two beautiful, sweet, smart, angel girls!! Then I dont ever have to feel guilty for spending time with them and not you, for spending money on them and never ever having to have them hide it from you so you wont know I spent money on them, no more dragging them to the bedroom to get away from your terrible, mean, loud, screaming, crazy mouth!!!! We can freely walk around in our home, carry our gifts through the door openly, and run and have pillow fights at will!!!!
     That to me is the meaning of true happiness!!! Freedom in our own home!!!!
                                       Love, Mommy